A Tribute to my Little Buddy Peeper (and our entire feather fubabies that were once part of our family)
Today, is the 5th of October...and I am finally able to say that I have finished writing a tribute to you, Peeper.
At first, I was going to use the term paper that earned me an A, in college. But, when I looked at it, read, and re-read it, I decided that it was way too technical. It lacked feeling. It lacked humor. It lacked your "spirit" and my own "spirit". I remember when I was completing this paper, it took me an entire year...my original writings were "great" my professor told me, but I still had to redo the entire paper. I remember he told me that he loved my style of writing, only that for this particular assignment. I had to stay within the guidelines of the term paper, I could only use facts and very detailed examples. I was granted an extension, a second time, to complete this one assignment. My professor encouraged me not to try a different subject, but, to re-write the entire paper, in an entirely different way. This time, with facts and examples. This severely limited my writing. I struggled, for months, to write in the style my professor wanted. My original paper had personality, emotion, and most importantly - "spirit". So I completed the paper in accordance with the teacher's guidelines. Now, it did not reflect the love that I felt in my heart for you Peeper. Nor did it contain any "fun", "sad", or "happiness"...I re-wrote my paper. There it was, the completed paper...just cold, hard, facts. All traces of emotion were gone now. I remember looking at that paper, hating it because I did not get to express myself. So, to me, it was just a term paper and it took forever for me to write it...2 years. I remember telling my professor that I was delighted to get an A. I had worked so hard, and so long, to write the final term paper in the manner he wanted. I remember the last time I spoke with my professor, I told him that I was happy with my grade. He asked me how I felt about the paper. I told him that it was just a paper now. And, I told him that someday I was going to revert back to the original paper and tell the story "my way". He thanked me for my honesty and encouraged me to write it my way, again. This time, not for an assignment and a grade. He encouraged me to explore my feelings and express how and what I felt when the day came that I wanted to re-write it. He also said that I was free to say my truth, in any way I wanted.
Peeper, I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to write to you. It's just that everytime I would write, I would cry. I got to the point where all I could do was cry...until this week.
I have Peaches to keep Rainbow company now. She doesn't replace you...but, your best buddy needed company. Rainbow has been very sad since you left us. I think it will be a long time before Rainbow can even begin to heal. Even with Peaches right next to him. He still won't eat right, and he won't eat the favorite things that you and he ate together. Peeper, I believe Rainbow has become attached to Peaches...but, she's not you. I know that Rainbow will always have an empty place in his heart that could only be filled by you. Peeper, you would have liked Peaches. She was abandoned the day you went to the hospital...and that's how she came to live with me and Rainbow. Please don't ever think I have "replaced" you either, I never could. I loved you as a baby, I loved you when you were ill, I loved you unconditionally. I loved you alot Peeper and I know the empty spot in my heart will remain empty, until the day you fill it again. That space is only for you...and, there are other empty spaces in my heart that are reserved for all of our feathery furbaby family. With that, on with the story...
As you can see, I have really been struggling with your tribute...afraid that I would miss something important. I did not expect to release so much grief either. Between being ill and depressed, I just couldn't write to you Peeper. I couldn't find the right words to say "goodbye, my little buddy, Rainbow and I will miss you terribly". Finishing your tribute would represent closure. And, I don't mean forgotten Peeper. I mean, accepting that you will never come back home and that you have gone on a special journey, to wait to be reunited...at Rainbow Bridge.
My little buddy Peeper. I have been thinking of you all day long. As of today, it's been exactly fourteen days since you left me and Rainbow. I haven't been able to face the reality, and, that's why I couldn't write sooner. I will always remember you no matter what. I waited for you to be born, for nearly a year. I believed I was doing a wonderful thing - giving you as a gift - to someone special. Little did I know, that we would end up together - after so many years. He left all of us. We were abandoned, scared, vulnerable, and our future's were uncertain. Peeper, you were only a baby when I went to pick you up. When the breeder called and told me you had been born, that was a happy time. I don't think you enjoyed the long ride home, 125 miles, but, that's how much you were wanted. You joined our family and you loved it.
There were 10 of us then: Nikki was with us at that time. He had been part of the family the longest, since 1982. Rainbow was with us then too, since about 1992. He had a long drive home too. Almost as long as yours Peeper. All of us enjoyed each other's company. Especially when I had to go to college, work, and make many changes in my life. Arnold-the yellow canary with the most beautiful songs. I found Arnold in 1989, and rescued him. The owner didn't want him because he had growths on his feet. Yet, our eyes met...and Arnold came home to be with us. It was about 1990 when Max and Barney, the magnificent red canaries that sang as loud as they could, joined our growing family. Although, even together they were no match for Arnold. But, you loved each other. Ozzie and Vanity, our parakeets had been part of the family also starting in 1989. Ozzie was the silly white one, and Vanity was a deep blue English budgie, much larger than Ozzie. They loved each other from day one. We would discover, in the future, that Vanity was a boy...but that didn't matter. They were both happy in their shared home-cage. Unfortunately, Ozzie came down with a sudden illness...and Vanity didn't want any other companion. So, Vanity remained alone in your shared cage, and loved it. Dicky and Spookey, the playful zebra finches. They were the noisiest little birds, relentlessly, they would "peep" all day long...and well into the evening. Spooky became ill one day, and just as I thought she was going to be ok, she died suddenly. There I sat, with this little lifeless white body in my hands. So, I had to find a mate for Dicky. Once he realized that Spooky was really gone, he would spend entire days and nights crying out for her. He and Spooky didn't really like one another, and never really got along, so I was surprised by his reaction. I was also apprehensive about locating another companion. It hurt to listen to you grieve and I went out and found the perfect match, Dusty. Instead of white with a red beak, Dusty was a beautiful shade of gray with a lighter red beak. Dicky and Dusty became inseparable from the very beginning. They fell in love with each other...and they were wonderful to watch. They would constantly preen each other, sit on the swing together, and they mated all the time, but, failed to hatch their first clutch of eggs. I still have the collection of their little eggs.
Back to you Peeper, you were such an adorable little companion. Your intelligence was a great quality that combined with your natural curiosity, made you even more unique and special. You learned to talk, with your little tiny voice. Eventually, and before Nikki died, you developed a very wide vocabulary of words and sounds. Nikki taught you a lot. Both you and Nikki could say, "Suzie", "Pretty Bird", "I love you", "thank you" and a few more. The amazing thing was that you learned to squawk exactly like Nikki. The cockatiel whistle-sound!!! I never knew this until some time after Nikki died. One day I was sitting, in the living room, studying. Peeper, at that time. you were in Nikki's old spot on the wall unit. That's when I heard you...I thought Nikki had returned...it was you, Peeper! . Somewhere along the way, between Nikki's laughing and my own, you learned and enjoyed laughing. You developed a really great sense of humor. Just like Nikki, whenever I was down, crying especially, you would laugh at me! When you and Nikki, (before he died) would laugh together, my tears would turn to laughter.
I decided I had to fill that empty spot. So, I put you there first Peeper. But, you were not happy there. Within time, Rainbow eventually became the permanent resident. Before Rainbow moved there, I had converted that spot to my new aquarium. All I wanted, was to have something living there, in Nikki's spot. I thought that having fish would be a wonderful and simple change. I didn't have to decide anymore which one of our family would occupy that big, empty space. It was great at first. Little did I know what I was in store for. There came a time, when I realized that I was always tinkering with the aquarium and it was just never right. One fish would die, then, I would have to tinker with chemicals again, to purify the water, etc...I was having no time to spend with the rest of our family. And, the fish at first were breeding, then they started to die. I had a huge Ciclid fish, I will always remember her face, that look that told me she was dying. I had named her Buttercup...and, one again, I lost another life and felt it was my fault. About a month later, I was referring to it as the "Aquarium from Hell". I began to feel sad because everything that could go wrong, did. So, I emptied the aquarium and gave it all away. Everything, including the surviving fish to a teenager who had been wanting an Aquarium for a very long time. He was able to make a success with it. I couldn't bear to see Nikki's spot empty. I loved you all and couldn't decide what was best and which one of you would be happy there. So, when it came to Rainbow's turn, he made the decision that he liked it there...so, I didn't have to worry about this anymore. Peeper, I will always remember the many times I cried...and you laughed. Especially after Nikki died. I remember sitting down, crying. You would stared at me until you got my attention...and then you would begin laughing. Again, I thought Nikki was back. Nikki's spirit was definitely present. You could imitate Nikki's whistle, and his laugh...you sounded just like he did. For a long time Peeper, I appeared to be the fool because I would brag about you and when anyone came to visit - you would just sit there, silent. I was never angry at you for this, but, I did feel silly.
I remember teaching you how to perform an interactive counting game. I knew in my heart, that you were smart Peeper. I thought it would be good for you to experiment and find out what you liked. I decided, before we began, that if you didn't take to it and have fun...we would find something else to do together. You loved it! In no time at all, I was increasing the amount of toys you could count. First, I would ask you "Peeper...please...go in your corner", and you did just that. You would immediately head for your "waiting spot" on the left side of your cage, on your favorite perch. I would place four brightly colored toy balls, with bells inside (kitty toys)...on each rung of your ladder. I would show you each one, and assign a color and a number to each ball. Before long, you were able to take them down, one at a time, in the same order I placed them. Other times, you just knocked all of them down! We had fun in those days Peeper. You could count to 4 with ease and eventually up to 7 during one playtime. I discovered you loved to play! You would get excited and begin chirping and you got fuzzy while I would show you each toy. You always counted along with me from 1...all the way to 7. You were so excited, and very impatient...yet, you would always wait to hear me say "go" before starting the game. As soon as you would hear "go", you would race over to your ladder, on the same perch, and go for it. You especially loved it when I would clap and cheer you on. If we had company, you loved to play this game even more. Very quickly, you learned to imitate my response...you learned how to imitate my clapping and also my verbal cheering. Somewhere, along the way...you learned how to "ask to play" the game. You would rush over to your waiting spot, chirp loudly and constantly, make clapping noises until I came over to play Peeper, despite all odds - you become a very loving companion to me. This was not always true. Peeper, when you were a baby - only about 4 weeks old or so, you formed your first "human" bond. Unfortunately, that important initial bonding was critical in your development. (Once a bird bonds with an owner, it's normally forever). I had given you as a gift, and he handled you during the most critical period of your personality development. You were just a baby...you naturally became very attached to him. One day, he left for work and he had forgotten to close your cage door. I had left first, but I arrived home before he did. There you were, hiding in a corner, on the ground. You were bleeding from your beak and shaking with fear. I will never forget how scared you were. Reluctantly at first, you came to me and allowed me to hold you. Peeper, your little beak was seriously wounded and bleeding. This was the beginning of infections that would eventually take you away from me. I'm sorry little buddy, I think you never understood that it was out of love and necessity that I had to give you medication every day. With time, your beak healed, but it also began to overgrow and I had to start trimming your beak on a regular basis.
By this time, he was already ignoring you...you hardly came out any more, and you became very independent and possessive of "your house". Once in a while, he would let you out for a minute or two...that was it. He didn't play with you anymore. Not even when you begged to play your favorite game. I think you disliked me because I was always the one to help you. I cleaned you, gave you special treats, and kept your water available and clean. He refused to have anything to do with administering your medications and beak trimmings...and so...naturally, you came to associate these uncomfortable things with me. And, you weren't getting the attention you needed and wanted from him. So, you were a very unhappy, lonely bird at that time.
About 2 years later, he was no longer paying "ANY" attention to you. So, you started to show signs of neglect. Your daily attempts to get his attention - failed. I remember how you would pace and climb all over your cage. You'd swing wildly from the top of your cage, and show off by jumping on your swing and going through your repertoire of whistles, sounds, words...and laughing. For such a teeny bird, you sure learned how to make a lot of noise. I remember watching you. You would pick up a toy (when you thought I was not looking at you), one of the round balls with the bell inside. With your beak, you managed to hold the toy until you climbed to the top of your favorite ladder. Then, you would toss the ball down to the bottom of your cage (there was a wire grill on the bottom), so you managed to make lots of noise. The toys would land on the metal bars of the bottom, each making a loud crashing sound each time they landed. Peeper, you never gave up, you would continue to make as much noise as possible. Most of all, you wanted attention. You wanted to play. That's how I came to spend time playing with you. You were beginning to allow me to touch you, hold you, and your trust was building. I could see it in your eyes.
Then, Peeper, you became neurotic, and began showing your unhappiness in many ways. You stopped chirping. then, you began plucking your feathers...until you had bald spots on parts of your little body. These inevitably became infected, and once again, the process of giving you antibiotics started again...and continued throughout your entire life. You were so severely traumatized when he abandoned us in May of 1995. Within days, you exhibited heartbreaking expressions of grief and sorrow by refusing to eat and nearly starved yourself to death. I started to feed you by hand, with a special mixture of apricot baby food, cooked corn, peas, rice and beans. You had no strength at all, so I had to puree everything before feeding you. Each day, I would prepare fresh mash for you. I would hold you, and feed you the tiniest amount of mash. Bit by bit. One week later, I added vitamins to your mash puree and through a tiny syringe (no needle). I would fill the syringe with the puree, and slowly, I would feed you - one drop at a time. I did this by holding you as I inserted the tip of the syringe into your beak. It was a very tedious procedure Peeper, but, I was willing to do anything to see you get better. If I were to feed you too quickly, you would choke and possibly die. In time, this process became less traumatic for you. However, a few weeks later, I noticed you were not responding readily and now you needed medical attention. After seeing the vet, I learned that you had developed a life-threatening infection...despite other antibiotics. In June of 1995, I had to give you injections consisting of 2 antibiotics, electrolytes, vitamins A and D...2 times each day. At best, you had only a 10% chance of surviving. As if we needed anything else to deal with, it turned out that the infection you had was airborne and contagious - to both humans and animals. So, I had to give the same solution to our 9 other family members. All ten of you had to be on a strong antibiotic. This went on for 60 days, during which time we (Peeper, me, Nikki - our whole family) were quarantined. We all had to follow a long course, 60 days, of antibiotics. That meant me too, and my best friend, and all of our family. (This was before Nikki died). That was a very strange and scary experience. You were such a trooper Peeper, and you continued to allow me to give you antibiotics, and food. You welcomed, finally, my soothing touch, you let me love you, and you enjoyed the attention for several months. You slowly began to respond to me and you started to eat on your own. This was truly the beginning of a beautiful relationship...a new, healthy, emotional bond was finally developing between us. That was a miracle. You were an unusual bird Peeper. You showed me that miracles can happen. You somehow managed to overcome the natural instinct to love only your first human bond. Now, you wanted to be with me, especially during meal times. You learned to love potatoes, fruit, rice, and pasta (your favorite). Then, Peeper, instead of silently hiding depressed in the bottom corner of your cage, you began greeting me ecstatically once I entered the front door. I could hear you calling me as I walked up the stairs outside.
Each and every bird is unique just like each and every other animal or human. Peeper, you had become an individual...in a category all your own. Part of what made you so unique Peeper, was that you had beaten the odds. In addition to the medications and treatments you survived. You even went on to develop such an outgoing, happy personality ... even after the loss of your original companion and went onto develop such an outgoing, happy, personality. I know, Peeper, that you felt the sting of being abandoned for a very long time. The emotional scars began to heal, although never completely. But, you became a very happy little bird!
Your intelligence surpassed my own expectations and continued to learn different tricks and new ways of expressing yourself. Your loving nature allowed a new bond to form between you and I. You slowly became very loving and you developed trust in me. I could now interact with you, play with you, and hold you...Peeper, you turned into an extremely loving and happy companion.
During this time, I grew to understand and appreciate your special qualities. Every time I looked at you, I would realize I learned some very valuable lessons from this near tragedy. Peeper, you were a fighter, and little did I know at that time, you would fully recover and in turn, provide me with the special love that I needed. I was so excited! I was now in college, and I needed a subject for a term paper coming up...the paper would count as 80% towards a passing grade. I struggled to find a topic, one day, it came to me...I decided to write about you Peeper. It was a difficult assignment, but, you were an excellent example of a wonderful creature. I will always remember the last sentence of this paper... "I am looking forward to spending many years with this great bird!" You. I received the highest grade in the class, even though I had to leave out a lot of important details. I was limited to 6 pages maximum, double spaced. For a long time, you remained happy and healthy.
However, that changed...alot of things changed. Peeper, you were so little, yet, your ability to love was huge. You loved all of us and we were a family. You learned things from other members of our family. And, you developed a really wonderful personality. We all bonded to each other and we planned to spend the future together.
Before I knew it, the year was over and I had not been able to complete my courses due to my illness, and soon to come, my first bout with major depression and extreme anxiety. I sought professional help, but, I really needed my feathery furbabies. Peeper, I could never give up on you. My feathered family was all I had to live for. That, and, one special friend who never gave up on me and without him, I would never have made it this far, no less, survive, to write about it. If I gave up on my life...I would have caused you more pain. The year was nearing the end. As if college, illness, and depression was not enough to handle, I was violated by someone I knew, or, thought I knew. That was another contributing instance that would feed my depression and allow it to take over. I was hurt, angry, and sad and I allowed myself to sink into an even deeper depression. I knew, in my heart and soul, that it wasn't my fault. I also knew I was telling the truth. Peeper, during this time, I really needed you. And you needed me. Not only was I ill and depressed, but I felt as if my heart, soul, and my body were being torn apart. My heart felt like it was being ripped right out of my body - the pain was so great. That pain was even greater when I was labeled the victim, and people believed "his" side of the story. That was it! I was tried and convicted by those who loved me the most. I was to blame, and that was all there was to it. Case closed. I was victimized first, then again, by most of the people in my life at that time. It was so ridiculous, and it hurt me more than anything else. I withdrew from everyone and spent most of my time alone, except when I was at college. I confided in you Peeper. And Nikki too. Nikki knew my whole life story...and he still loved and trusted me. It was clear that nearly everyone denied my pain and made it worse yet. My mom and my one best friend, believed me. Since then I have always believed that the truth would surface one day...unfortunately, someone else would be hurt in the process. So, I tried to put this all behind me and concentrate on taking care of myself and my family. My feathery furbabies were all I had...and...I knew they loved me no matter what. In those dark, dismal hours of the night...I survived, knowing that my feathery furbabies would never turn on me. Many times I would get up in the night, and get Nikki out and talk to him. Then Peeper, I confided in you too. I began to talk more to Rainbow too. Between the three of you, we began a cycle. Nikki one night, Peeper one night, and Rainbow one night. This way I didn't feel I was hurting anyone of you by denying sleep. They gave me a lot of cuddles, reasons to laugh, to cry, and did their best to make me feel I was not alone.
Still, I was trapped within the black hole that I now know as major depression. The depression started about one year into college, then, one of my worst fears came true...Nikki was getting old, 17 years old...and he was looking as if he was losing his zest for life. Nikki was diagnosed with a genetic disorder of the liver, and he had a very repressed immune system. The mandatory 60 day treatment of antibiotics had left him very weak, and, he never returned to his original healthy state...ever. He slowly deteriorated. The first year, Nikki fought, and succeeded. The second year, he still fought...then, one day, he started to lost his balance, again...only worse. Nikki looked and acted sad. I could tell he was giving up by the way he looked at me...as if he could see right through me. After the years of medical treatments, his beautiful white body was so very weak. I tried one last time, to keep him here with me. But, instead of cooperating with me, he bit me when I tried to administer another course of medications. Never, not once, in 17 years had Nikki ever bitten me. Then when his illness progressed, I knew in my heart that I would soon have to let him go. I couldn't put him through another year of medical visits and treatments. Keeping him alive would have been cruel. Nikki died in my hands, close to my heart and all I heard from anybody was "He's only a bird". My one friend knew how I felt, since he too, was an animal lover. Plus, Nikki really liked him. He would go to this one friend, or me, nobody else.
Arnold stopped singing, Dicky and Dusty stopped peeping and stopped laying eggs. They were silent for a while. Ozzie and Vanity knew too...for they became quiet also. Max and Barney didn't sing anymore either. Rainbow was depressed too. It was as if he felt my pain. Did he know how sad I was? I believe he did. Nikki was gone now. You and Rainbow were inseparable. Rainbow always noticed when you were sad Peeper, and was always there for you to play with and talk to. Peeper, you started to adjust to our new living situation, and you bonded deeply with Rainbow - and the two of you were with each other, never separated again. I was trying my best to pull myself out of that damn deep hole called depression. But instead, once again, I was pushed even deeper down that hole, and I was still going downhill. Then, before I could recover after losing Nikki-- Max and Barney died too. Peeper, you loved them so much (the canaries)...especially Arnold. You learned to sing just like a canary. See Peeper, you were a parrot, but you didn't care. After a while, I noticed you were depressed again. Even though we still had Ozzie and Vanity (our budgies), Dicky and Dusty (our finches), Rainbow (our lovebird), Arnold - who was the most incredible bright yellow canary who loved to sing his heart out. Arnold was not in good health, and the owner was going to get rid of him. Before I knew it, Arnold joined our family. He had a disabling, ugly, disease on his feet and it wasn't anything contagious, so he showed us his beauty in song. We all came to love Arnold. But, we were all still trying to cope with losing Nikki.
So many things were destined to happen and even I was caught unexpectedly in crisis after crisis. My life had become chaotic, in all ways. I was still very depressed as I was trying to get through college. I believed I had finally found my calling...I started writing. Writing lead me down the path, to another English class. Then, I got very sick. Now, I was physically ill, and emotionally drained. The college allowed me an extension which would allow me to work on my courses from home. I did just that. I got to spend more time with my wonderful feathery furbaby family. Things once again, had taken a positive turn...or so I thought. I was in survival mode... and my life was getting too chaotic that I was still unable to finish my college courses.
By March of 1997, I needed to make one of the most difficult, painful choices of my life. I was a straight A student (in the subjects I had completed). It was a miraculous time, since I never finished high school. It had been suggested that I "leave my life as it was" and "move home to my mom's". That meant leaving my apartment, material possessions, and before I knew it, all the preparations to move had been done. That meant having to accept that justice would never be attained. One day, I couldn't take living in fear any longer and I decided to move and make a new life somewhere else.
One of the most painful parts of relocating, was, that due to international policy, I could only bring two of my feathery family members with me. It was the law, and there were no exceptions. I endured the long, frightening process of deciding who I would bring. I loved all of my family. Finally, I made my choice based upon each birds' age and health. You Peeper, and Rainbow were I just could not take any more. I was afraid that this would just push me over the line dividing sanity and insanity. I found a caring home for Arnold, Vanity, Dicky and Dusty...you would all be moving together, family intact. At least that part of our family would not be separated. It was a very sad day when I had to let you all go to a new home. Four days before our departure...I had to say goodbye to our family members that I did not want to leave behind. But, I had to do what was best for them, and I believed I had done that. I remember, the woman came, and we packed her car with their cages, toys, food etc...I cried when we said goodbye. I heard Arnold's song (one last time), Vanity's chattering, and Dicky and Dusty were peeping away...as they drove off into the distance, to their new home. I am still hurting because the woman, that I considered to be a friend, never called me to let me know how that part of our family was. Were they happy? Were they healthy? She owed me alot of money, but, I didn't care. All I wanted was to hear they were happy...instead I feel they think I just abandoned them. The apartment was so empty and strange. Our family had been split up and we were left together. Peeper, you and Rainbow sensed the change as well and you were both quiet. I, was afraid of the future, all I knew was that you, Peeper, and Rainbow were still with me. We were all bonded tightly. I remember sitting in my apartment. All my "stuff" and "furniture" and "appliances" were still there...I was bringing very little with me in terms of material goods. I felt sad. I felt that I had abandoned the other members of our family and that they couldn't understand that I gave them up out of love...my apartment was so quiet. Then, he appeared at my front door again. I called the police and I waited. They were able to get him to leave. However, I will never forget the fear that pushed me out of my own apartment. But, the harsh reality was, my life, your life Peeper, and Rainbow's lives were at risk. So, in a panic, I got my suitcase ready and called a cab. I was hysterical, and, if not for the kindness of the cab driver...I would probably not be here to tell this story now. I remember the cab, packed with suitcases, I put you Peeper, into your traveling cage...and Rainbow in the other side. This was the carrier that you would be in on the plane...but, you and Rainbow were together. I took one last look, at my apartment, turned around, and walked out. I left everything there. I just knew that we had to leave right away. I had made a reservation with a hotel, and provisions for you Peeper, and Rainbow. However, when we arrived, the clerk at the desk was rude and uncaring. He said I could stay, but that you and Rainbow would not be able to stay there. The cab driver waited for me...I came out in tears. I had no idea what to do or where to go. I will never forget the kindness this man had in his heart. He managed to find us a wonderful place to stay until departure day. We were spoiled. Room service, our own kitchen, lots of space and quiet...all the luxuries anyone could ever want. So, there we were Peeper, you, me and Rainbow were living in peace and safety. I did not get to say goodbye to anyone. I did what I had to do and I was not able to change that. Circumstances had brought us this far, and, I couldn't take any risks. Finally, we were on the plane. Peeper, you and Rainbow were with me the whole time. I had fixed the carrying cage to allow for 2 birds. You and Rainbow were separated, only by the divider I had to make in the travel cage. There you were, you and Rainbow were with me on the plane. We were in the cabin of the plane. Both of you were on the floor, under the seat in front of me. We finally, took off. You talked to each other during the entire flight. Finally, we arrived at our destination. Mom and Dad were there to pick us up at the airport and take us to our new home. Away from the city noise, to a quiet, beautiful place. Now, when you would look out the window, you saw trees, birds, squirrels...instead of cars, traffic and freeways. In time Peeper, you and Rainbow settled in and we were finally happy again.
Personal tragedy struck our family again and again. During these hard times, you and Rainbow were my reasons for living. Peeper, you finally started to play again. You and Rainbow bonded and were inseparable. For a few years, we were a "small but happy family", the three of us. Then, in August 1999, I noticed you looked depressed Peeper. I thought I could bring you out of it. I was also angry at myself for allowing someone else to tell me you were fine. And, at the expense of your life Peeper...I took that advice. I am so sorry for that Peeper, it was clearly the wrong choice. I could barely help myself, so I went into survival mode again, and was able to help you. That Saturday night, when I brought you to the emergency hospital, I was terrified. Before leaving our home, you climbed into my hand...and stayed. I loved you as much as I could Peeper...you never really liked to be held, and this was different. Before leaving for the emergency animal hospital, you decided you wanted to climb into the breast pocket of my fleece jacket. That's where you stayed Peeper, until we got to emergency. The staff there were really nice...I couldn't help but smile when they placed you in the incubator...they gave you a mirror, food, water, and best of all a cuddly toy bear...a Paddington Bear. It was so cute watching you snuggle up to the soft bear. I knew your condition had become serious. You spent the night in emergency and then that Sunday morning, I took you to the avian specialist. I'll never forget you Peeper, you once again allowed me to cuddle you all the way there...and, you found my pocket again, and climbed inside. You were very ill Peeper, and the look on the vet's face displayed my fear. Right from the start Peeper, you really liked her. You were handled gently, and you didn't even try to bite her...I knew then that you trusted her. You were placed in an incubator during your stay and kept warm at 93 degrees or more. You began to respond, slowly.
At home, Rainbow was lonely, depressed, and he had stopped eating. The vet advised me Peeper, that you would be staying there for at least one week. That's when I learned that, on the day you were admitted into the hospital for 24 hour care, someone abandoned a female lovebird named Peaches. The vet proposed that I take care of Peaches...which would provide company for Rainbow. We hoped that Peaches would entice Rainbow to begin eating again...and he did start to eat again. The next week, Rainbow and I visited you. I always brought Rainbow with me, and when you would spot each other...both of you would chatter back and forth. The following week, Peeper, you were able to come back home. Unfortunately, that meant returning Peaches, who had literally become Rainbow's lifeline. Without her, I don't know if Rainbow would have survived. Peaches had been, for that brief but crucial time...your reason for living and eating. I knew I had to return Peaches, who would be put up for adoption once I returned her to the vet. But, I had given my word to the vet and I had to make good on my promise. Plus, Peeper you would, once again, need very intense medical care and attention once you came home. My heart was screaming "I want to keep her" (I had fallen in love with Peaches during her short stay...and Rainbow did too) but I had to do the right thing. My parents drove me to the vets. I worried the whole time and I was getting increasingly upset. I was so happy that you were coming home Peeper. I knew Rainbow needed you Peeper...and you needed Rainbow. Peeper, you were not totally cured I was told that your future was questionable. Was it even possible? Even the vet didn't know. Then, that uncomfortable knot in my stomach worsened. The moment Rainbow spotted you Peeper, it was a very intimate and beautiful reunion. Who ever said our animals can't express feelings must have never experienced seeing such a strong bond between two furbabies.
Then, the time came, and Peeper, you were ready to come home. I gave Peaches back, in her original cage, and with all the toys I had given her during her stay with me. I was crying as I gave Peaches back to the vet. I didn't want to say goodbye to her, and I felt a terrible loss as I watched Peaches stare at me as they took her to the back room. We mutually stared at each other - Rainbow was participating too. I was torn between looking at you Peeper, and Peaches. Just as Peaches disappeared, Rainbow was already sulking, until he spotted you Peeper. At once, the two of you were instantly happy and excited to be back together. Finally, we made it back home. Peeper, you were so happy to be back with your buddy Rainbow. You both chattered and whistled back and forth all the way home. We arrived at home, I headed to my room with you and Rainbow. Peeper, you were so delighted to be home again, in your own surroundings, your cage home, and next to Rainbow again. Mom and I watched while you and Rainbow settled in. I placed your cages side by side, and you both "met" at the bottom corners of your cages...as close as you could get to each other. Peeper, your eyes said so much...and Rainbow's too. The two of you were so happy to be together again. Love and happiness was definitely blooming again. A person would have to be totally numb not to notice...or just stupid. Peeper, you and Rainbow had to be able to see each other closely at all times. For 7 years you and Rainbow were never separated. You were back and both you and Rainbow chattered, whistled, and played games with each other. I remember watching you Peeper, how you would always go to the same corner to meet Rainbow for a chat....you both looked so happy. Peeper, you were home again, with Rainbow. Your eyes and actions told me that this was a happy time for both of you. So, together again, life was beginning to return to normal. Peeper, you and Rainbow were back together and happy again.
Unfortunately, that only lasted a few days Peeper. You became ill again, and this time, even more seriously than before. So, once again, we were all on our way to the vets. When I spoke with her on the phone, she said, just get here...I will have everything ready for Peeper when he arrives.
She wasn't kidding when she said she was ready. The incubator was ready, heated, and prepared for you Peeper. And, you had another Teddy Bear. I forgot the original one at home...but, the vet said I could keep it.
When we arrived Peeper, she quickly put you into the incubator filled with oxygen and heat. You were amazing, as soon as you were in the incubator, you were running around as if you were completely ok. The vet said that was normal and within a half hour or so, you would calm down. I will never forget that last time I saw you Peeper...determined to show me you were happy.
Then, the vet had a surprise for me...and, she had Peaches ready to go home with me. Peaches had not been adopted out, in fact, she didn't even try to find her a home yet. Out came the vet, with Peaches...and Peaches and Rainbow bonded again. Then, the vet talked with me for quite a while. I could tell by the look on her face that this was possibly the last time I would see you Peeper. I explained to the vet how I felt I was on a roller coaster and didn't know how to handle everything. She was my therapist that day. She suggested that I take Peaches and Rainbow home, and that instead of my calling her every day...asked me to refrain from calling for a least three weeks. She would call me with news of any changes. She was concerned about me Peeper, and how sad I was. I arrived at the vets office in tears, and, I also left in tears. I did as she asked, and, even though it was hard, I took her advice. That following Wednesday, August 11th, 1999, I received a call from the vet. I knew the instant I heard her voice, that she had bad news. She's one of the most genuine, caring, people I have ever met. In one sentence she said, "I don't have good news for you. At 11:00 pm, last night, Peeper looked good. However, sometime before 7:00 am that morning, he had died". We talked for a little while and I knew she understood how I was feeling. I couldn't keep myself from crying. I was torn up inside. Peeper was gone now and I would have to carry on. I truly believe that when she returned Peaches to me for the second time, she had a feeling Peeper wouldn't make it. That's why she had suggested that I take a break from calling, so as to distance myself before Peeper's death. She was right. then, I was faced with another difficult decision...what to do with your lifeless body Peeper. I never saw you after you died, so, my memory of you will be you running around the incubator when I brought you in the second and final time. I asked the vet if she does necropsies ever (autopsy). She said sometimes. I asked her if she wanted to explore your body Peeper, so that we would know if your illness was contagious. I mentioned I had no money to pay for it...she said she would do it and not charge me. So, I told her to go ahead and do it, and to please let me know why you died. It turned out that you have a very nasty liver disease and infection had spread throughout your body. The good news was, that your illness was not contagious Peeper. I feel like this was your way of telling me that everything would be ok...even without you. Thank you for that Peeper. I understand now, why you had to leave - and my love for you will never cease. I will love you forever. I guess by now, you are having fun with your other buddies at Rainbow Bridge. Nikki, Ozzie, Max, Barney, Spooky....were reunited at the bridge and will stay there until we are brought together again. Then, we can all cross the bridge together and once again, we will be a whole family.
It's a miracle how Peaches came into my life Peeper. Peaches and Rainbow are getting along, but I know Rainbow still wonders where you are. Yesterday, I woke Peaches and Rainbow...and there, at the bottom of Peaches home, was the whitest, most perfectly formed egg! Peeper, I believe that Peaches came into my life, and Rainbow's, for a reason. It is incredible how she has so many of your traits, and when she talks and says "Pretty Bird", it's like looking at Nikki. I know your spirit will always live on within my heart. I will miss you until the day we are reunited.
Peaches says to say hi to you Peeper, and, that she's doing her best to keep Rainbow and I happy. In no way can you be replaced Peeper, but, now I know that your spirit is living on...and that's a wonderful thing.
The other wonderful thing is that every Monday, I get to join others who have lost their furbabies, for the candle ceremony. We light candles for you and all the others waiting at Rainbow Bridge. It's always emotional and I have cried so much. But, at least I know and believe that you can see and hear me...and tell the others that we will meet again.
We will meet again, my little buddy Peeper....please wait for me and tell the others we will all be together again someday. I'm sorry that you had such a rough life Peeper, but it was out of our control. I will always remember you as a fighter...right to the end. Remember always that "I love you Peeper" and I still can't believe you are not here. I miss you terribly and so does Rainbow....
Love your mommy, Suzie