This is a tribute to my beautiful sweet little boy, Morz, my wonderful loving beloved cat of eight years. It’s also the story of what happened to him, how he died. I wrote this to try to help me understand how this could have happened. And to try to deal with some of the sadness and grief that is overwhelming me right now. I want to give my Morz a remembrance song from my heart, that I was not able to give him today. And I want to tell all cat owners, something they have heard time and time again. Keep your cats inside, keep them close to you, keep them in their safe homes. ( I had written a lot of this originally on the PetBunny Newsboard on October 12, 1997)

Christine Anne Kochmann & John Schmid

Today, was probably one of the most heartwrenching agonizing days I know that I will ever experience. I lost my buddy today, a piece of me is gone forever. - I had to say goodbye to my cat, my beautiful, beautiful handsome beloved cat Morzly. He will live inside of my heart forever, but I cannot believe that he was taken from me so suddenly, so abruptly, so painfully. My Morz was such a sweet affectionate friend to everyone, people, bunnies, other cats, he never ever tried to go after a bird or mouse. He just didn't have it in him. But I lost him needlessly, and this is what I don't want anyone else to have to ever ever ever have to go through.

This morning, he got up as he usually does, purring and running around my feet, begging to go outside, and I could never refuse my cats on such a beautiful day as today, with the sun shining, the world waiting for them. Morz and Chili, his best buddy cat, bounded out onto the patio, rolling in the dirt, running up and down the trunk of my magnolia tree, just the usual way for them to start their day. I watched them for a while, then went about my business. We leave our family room door open for them to go in and out, at will, the best of both worlds, or so I thought.. Throughout the day, Morz would sit on the patio, or take a little walk around the yard, coming in for the occasional snack and drink. At two o'clock, while I was doing some gardening, I saw my Morz across the street, and called him for come home, since I never saw him leave the yard before. I was annoyed at him for straying across the street, but he always came to his mom when I called him, and today he crawled on my lap, kneading my shorts, his eyes closed in bliss, his little purr machine on again. At about 4:30, I ran to the store for a few minutes, and for some odd reason, I was in an incredibly cranky mood, and even complained to the store manager about the attitude of a rude clerk. I just had this tense awful feeling inside of me, and I couldn't understand why. When I complained to the manager, my voice was shaking, and my hands were almost trembling. I attributed it to my little bunny, Hazzee, being sick again, and raced home to check on him . Once there, I was met with every petowners worst nightmare, the sight of their buddy lying in a position that was not natural, that was so wrong. . He seemed to be passed out directly in front of his litterbox, and I knew, I knew something was so so wrong. I screamed his name and ran to him, and he tried to move his head to look at me. I couldn't bear what I was seeing. I couldn't catch my breath with the fear and horror I was feeling. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth, he was gasping for air, he was covered in his own feces. In my panic, I started crying, I ran around in circles, trying to figure out what to do. It was Sunday, no Vet. Call the hospital. Hold my baby. Wrap him in a blanket. Wake up. I wanted to wake up from this horror story. I begged him to hold on for me. I ran upstairs, forcing my mind to work, and called the operator for the number of the emergency clinic. I was so scared, I didn't know how to get there, and I barely understood her directions. I wrapped him in his favorite blanket, ran to our car, and gently laid him down on the passenger seat. I could see his gums were white, and I had to force myself not to scream. I went through red lights and broke the speed limit on every road to get him to the emergency hospital. God, I don't know how I could see through my tears. I begged and begged him to hang on, but I could see he was now in severe shock. He tried to speak to me, but he couldn't anymore. As I ran into the clinic, he started to go into convulsions, and the Veterinarian took him immediately, at which time they tried to give him oxygen, start him on IV, and I don't know what else because I can't remember, I just can't remember. As I sat in the waiting room, again, I thought, this is nothing more than a nightmare, and I will wake up like I usually do. The doctor called me into the room after ten minutes, to gently try to tell me it didn't look good, but I refused to believe that my Morz wasn't going to make it. This is my cat who went through so many urinary track infections, almost died with those, was on fluids to keep him alive (given my me, at home), had operation after operation to keep him going, till they finally had to alter his sex entirely, so he could live. No way was my Morz not going to make it. The whole time I'm sitting there, I was sobbing, but I still believed I was going to hear, that he had stabablized. Isn't that what I always heard in the past? Always. After 45 brutal, agonizing minutes in the waiting room, I was called in one last time. He died. He didn't come back to me. He left me for the last time, and I couldn't accept it. They told me it appeared he was poisoned ( I have since found out this was not the case, he was killed - his autopsy is on the bottom of my story). Between 2 and 5 o'clock, something bad happened and his little body couldn't fight it. My beautiful boy, my beloved little Morz, who was only 8 years old, who was my best friend for his entire life, he was gone. They brought him into me, wrapped in his blanket, and I was in the room with him for over an hour, not coming to grips with what had just transpired.. I held him in my arms, stroked his silky sweet face, trying to understand how and why and how and why, why why. Why weren't his eyes opening for me? His body was still so warm and soft. I laid him down on the table, looking into his face, his eyes weren't even closed. And I held his paws, and kissed each one. And then I went down to the floor, and then I went into a very dark place.

I don't know how I made it home, I don't know why I won't let go of his blanket. For the past four hours, I've been holding against me the blanket that he passed away in, trying to hold onto a piece of him. I've lost pets before, but not like this, never ever like this. His last hours were so brutal, so agonizing for him, that's not how he deserved to end his life with us. It shouldn't have happened this way. Not like this. That's what's tearing me up inside, and will for a long time to come. I can't grieve for my baby like this. All I can think about his his agony. I didn't loose him because his time had come, I lost him to a act of violence by a sick sick human being. My fiancé is going to pick him up tomorrow at the emergency clinic, to bring him to our Vet. I decided that I want an autopsy done, I need to understand what could have happened. That's why the Rainbow Bridge will give me peace in time, but not now. Chili will never ever ever go outside again. Ever. And as I'm writing this, everything I am saying seems to be related to me, I, me, my, mine, I know. That's not what I had intended. I just want Morz to know how much he is loved, and how much him not being here anymore is leaving such a empty place in our hearts.

But I want to say thank you to my friend. I want to say thank you to a beautiful beuatiful little angel. I remember when I first found him as a kitten eight years ago, his back leg broken, lying in the parking lot of the veterinary clinic where I worked. The Vets took him in , fixed his little body up, and handed him over to me. He would run around our apartment with the cast on his leg, banging against the hardwood floors. All my friends had signed his cast with paw prints and hearts. He looked so funny, he had these huge ears, this little face, this big cast. He came into my life at a time when I went through a devastating loss, and I always felt he was the light in my life to help me grieve, sent from my guardian angel. Even as a kitten, he was a happy cat, playing with the same little aluminum ball for hours on end, never getting tired. He made me laugh out loud, he made me smile so many times, even on the toughest days I had to face alone.. And he grew into such a handsome gorgeous feline. I would look at him, and say, "who's more beautiful than Morz?", and answer for him, every day, "no-one is silly". He would follow me around all day, when I was home, and slept with me at the foot of my bed, sometimes snuggling against my stomach, under the covers. How comforting that felt. His warm body snuggled next to mine, his purring lulling me to sleep. I never understood how he didn't suffocate. Sometimes, I would come home from work, and I would see this little lump, right in the middle of the bed, under the covers. He would lift them aside, crawl under them and sleep all day. I remember how he would give me kisses for minutes on end, his sandpaper tongue so rough, but so warm and loving I didn't have the heart to tell him to stop. There were times my face felt raw, but he was insistent to get me clean.. He never once failed to purr when I picked him up, and would lie in my arms with that silly little smile on his face. He had a little white spot on his otherwise black face, and this is what I would nuzzle against every day of his life. I used to ask him all the time what he was thinking, wishing that just once, God would grant him the gift to talk to me. He was my buddy through so much of my life. Whenever things weren't going my way, I would come home to his sweet little face , and know that whatever happened to me, I had his unconditional love to be thankful for. I had such an overwhelming feeling of love for this cat, it always scared me. I had such a fear of loosing him someday, that I would look at his sweet face and start to cry for no reason, and I think it's because he was sick for quite some time. When he was three, he became very ill with urinary track infections, and came very close to dying through some of those bouts. My vet somehow always brought him back to me, and I thanked God over and over again for keeping Morz here with me. One time, the Vet told me I had to think about perhaps making a decision on letting Morz go, since he had gone into shock again, and they weren't sure whether they could save him this time. I went home, and thought, God, give my buddy the strength to make it, because I can't do this. I can't make any kind of decision. The next morning, I got a call from the Vets, and all his vital signs were great. He had made a recovery that stunned even them. But this time he became dehydrated, and became incontinent. He just about peed everywhere and anywhere 24 hours a day, and I didn't care. He was home. He was purring again. I gave him fluids, that the Vet said he would be on for the rest of his life. Not my Morz. He did it again. After six weeks of the fluids, he turned around one day and nipped me while I was administering it. I thought that was strange, and the next day he did it again. I called the Vet, and he said to bring him in, he wanted to just check on him. Morz did it again. No more fluids. But the last time he got sick, the Veterinarian said that they would have to perform surgery that they usually prefer not to do unless they have no other options left, they removed his male organs, much to his dismay, and gave him a wider opening to help him. No more crystals. No more infections. It worked. He never got sick again. No more rushing to the hospital at 3 a.m. because he was going into shock again. This was it! After the surgery, my little buddy was great. He was even more affectionate than he ever was before, and I think because he felt no kind of pain anymore. I would just hold him as long as he could bear it, kissing the tip of his little nose, singing him silly little songs. Substituting his name for "your are my sunshine" except I made it "your are my Morzly, my little Morzly, you make me happy, when skies are gray, you'll never know Morz, how much I love you, Please don't make, my morzenz go away..." He never minded though. And I think he grew to understand the hum of my voice when I sang to him, I think he knew which song I was singing, he must have felt my love for him as I sang the words, because he would start to purr eadh time. Morz knew he had the place of honor in my life. His pictures adorned my cubicle at work, pages upon pages of my photo album, in my bedroom, my kitchen, Morz was there. My firends knew Morz. They got cards from him, they got gifts from him, they gave him presents too. It seems silly, but he was such a funny cat, you had to know him. My fiance built him a condo, and Morz even had the decency to actually sit in it, once in a while. For the past three years, he was so healthy. I think he was happy. When he came to live with us in this house, my little boy had it made. He never ever ever heard a voice raised, he never heard a door slam, he had only peace and solace. My fiance is such a mellow, happy person, and Morz could feel his peace.

God, I'll miss you so much Morzly. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. What is Chili going to do? Who's going to play with him now? Who's going to crawl up into John's race car, and sleep under the tarp, something we could never understand, you loved doing that so much, even though you had a warm safe home to sleep in. Who's going to jump up next to me in my lounge chair, on a warm summer day, as I'm engrossed in a book? I used to absently stroke your head, never thinking that you were going to say goodbye to me so soon. Thank you for sitting with me for so long the day before you left Morz. Thank you for kissing me so many times. Thank you for letting me feel your little heart beating next to my face.

So, my Morz, he brought me laughter, he gave me his friendship, he shared his love with me. He did everything for me. It is I who was so selfish.

"You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together..."

                               -- Anon. --

I love you so so much Morz. I always will. I always have. More than you know I rejoice in the day when I can see your sweet beautiful silky face light up with the love you had for everyone again. We'll miss you so Christine & John, Fuzzbutt, Nacho, Hazzee, Newbee, Rodney and Chili

Morzly Kochmann Schmid: Beloved sweet little boy - Oct. 22, 1989-Oct.12, 1997
|\ _,,,---,,_
/,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_
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'---''(_/--' `-'\_)
I miss you, I will see you again,
I kiss you, I thank you, my friend
(told to me by Yael, Nougat & Caffeen)

Follow up: On Monday, October 20, the day of the candle lighting ceremony, I am going to Abby Glenn Memorial Park to pick up Morzly's ashes. They will stay with us forever. These are the results of Morz's autopsy report. This was not what we ever expected - I guess I don't have to use any kind of adjectives to express what these results are doing to us. They are torturing me. And always will. I don't know if this can help anyone. Perhaps it will make you think twice about letting your cats out as much as I did. I strongly suspect who did this, but will never be able to prove anything. We have put up a large sign in our front yard, asking for any leads, with a reward posted. We also explained what happened, I want people to know what kind of monster lives in our midst. We put up small signs on our trees. I'm sure no one saw anything, it was done out of this growing horryifying rage I feel. We had contemplated moving, this sealed our decision.

Morzly was not poisoned, as originally thought by the emergency clinic. They believed he had been due to his severe and rapid downhill condition.- He was in shock, turning blue, loss of fecal control, rigidity of body position, loss of all body muscles, could not stand/sit, or hold himself upright when I had brought him in.. After he passed away, Morzly was moved to my animal hospital, and the autopsy was finished yesterday afternoon by the head Veterinarian. I don't have the report in front of me I'm doing this from what I tried to write down as he was speaking.

Doctor told me these the cause of his death was very much definitive: Morzly was killed due to a severe intense kick to his abdominal area. At the start of the autopsy: First thing discovered he had a huge hemotomo (sp?), and /or (?) blood clots in his abdominal area. Going inside, they found severe abdominal bleeding; Discovered that the diaphragm had been massively torn; Tearing of the muscle walls; .his liver was pushed 95 percent up into his chest cavity: this caused him not being able to breathe; Kidneys pushed up and out.

He told me that Morz really could not have survived even if I had found him a few minutes earlier. He said the blow was just to severe. He stated that there is a 99% probability that this was caused by a kick, due to the position of the wound, the fact that all the wounds were internal, and the path of the damage. He was not hit by a car. He had seen cases like this before - blow was not as hard, injuries caused near death, but the animal survived. He was shocked that Morz made in into our basement, he doesn't understand how he could have gone through the house, and went downstairs.

I believe that when I was in the store, and got so upset for no apparent reason at the clerk, my sweet little boy called out to me. I believe in my heart that he came home to us, to say goodbye before he left us.. I believe he wanted to try to give me a chance to do something for him, even though he knew it was not possible. I think that when he had to go for the last time, he knew how much we loved and cherished him so.